ghost-girl-in-mirrorSpecifically,  Second Life alternative accounts. Once you have your main account, avatar, life going on in second life, some people will start a second account. I read on Facebook a poster upset over her partner who apparently created not only an alt, but an alternative life. Good reason to want to kick him in the Aeros!

I am infamous. I have had 7 alts, now defunct… retired… one dead.  I had a reason for these accounts, so i would like to defend the use of an alt.

My first alt came about because of my lifestyle. I was a sub, collared. My mistress had an app on my collar called Spy. Spy would collect every teleport i made and my side of any conversation. I discovered the next day she was dropping in on each teleport to see what i was doing and chatting with whoever was around asking about me. I may have been submissive but i still felt that an intrusion. I wasn’t doing anything i should be ashamed of. Not unfaithful. Just different music venues.

So i created an alt to feel free to get around. That one went off the rails and i caused pain to too many people. I learned my lesson with alts. As the FB poster noted, she was greatly pained by what her ex-partner had done. His was purposeful, and he was a bastard. Mine was accidental. But pain caused nonetheless. I apologized to those I interacted improperly with.

But after that! Oy. I am a writer as my profile will tell you. What a great way to gather material and try out circumstances. Thus, my next alt was created at first to meditate, contemplation on a historical Japanese sim. Great way to start the day. But i got a great idea… what is it like to sell yourself? A little Firestorm search and i found myself, kimono and all, on the auction board at PoD auction house. For a three-week period I sat on a cushion twice a day being interviewed. I have many pages of notes about the emotions involved. Nervous, am i doing it right, should i dress sexy like that barbie kneeling on the next cushion, do i have any worth… so many things filled my mind. (By the way, i didn’t go for much — L$1,500)

Then came a cute little fawn, a half-goat girl. What better way to experience discrimination. You’d think in a world where you can literally be anything you want everyone would be cool with it. Nope. I was a fawn for a month and made not one… NOT ONE… friend. So i kicked it up a notch… an African-American woman. I’m sad to say i still believe there is discrimination in SL. I may be wrong. But after a short life I gave up both of them.

And that’s how it went, my friends. A purpose-driven alt (1) because it is fun and a challange to built something (find the avatar look you like, find a style of clothing that fits, etc.), and (2) to achieve a set goal. Once that goal is reached, i simply quit logging on. They’re laying there, all lined up, hoping someday to be reawakened. “Do Electric Sheep Dream of Androids?”

So I’m sorry to that original poster for the pain her asshole of an ex-partner caused. Some folks totally forget that behind every avatar is a living, feeling human being. Emotions are SO strong in Second Life. We live in our minds which seem to magnify feelings. Be careful using alts.


NEXT POST: an update on my transition.

Second Life Family

1262194872_katrina-kaif-2I joined Second Life because i live an isolated, lonely life. On purpose. It’s a safety thing for me. My own family had deserted me. My very first acts on landing in this strange new world was (1) look up my friends Daniel and Tish Wolfsong’s bar (they are now my SL brother and sister); get from them suggestions for transgender sims; and start searching for anything transgender related. A little narrow-casting in my wants at this point, huh. Which led me to a now-defunct sim TransTastic where, for the first time, I met others like me. Same issues. Same problems. But others to talk about it and share my life. At last! Someone who also had dysphoria. It was wonderful.

As often happens in Second Life, that sim folded. But before it did, i had discovered a new life that would serve me well… D/s — dominant/submissive — BDSM. Dancing at TransTastic i met an attractive girl who talked with me. That alone was an exhilarating experience for me haha. Then she revealed she was a sub with a mistress i had yet to meet. We danced over a period of days while i thoroughly researched the subject and found myself interested. She invited me to their home to meet the domme. Two days later i was submitted, collared and learning the myriad mistakes one can make LOL. Yikes.

A family. A domme and two subs… but in my mind, a mother and two sisters.

And that’s how it’s been ever since. I see this lifestyle i’ve chosen as being a mother with a growing family. That’s wrong, as i’ll mention later, but for the longest time that is what i felt.  Over time I gather others to me. I provided them love, a place to live, safety, caring, encouragement.

I have learned, thanks to my mentor Chloe, that i am not a mother. I am their domme. Big difference which i won’t go into here. I have become stronger from her guidance, and from the encouragement of the girls themselves, particularly my SL wife Trixssy.  The Hand of the Queen! They want me strong and decisive. I am.

Today i pruned from my family tree. An errant daughter (continuing the metaphor) who failed to show up for weeks at a time. Patience growing to impatience, excuses lacking, time to cut the duckling loose to learn to fly on her own.

We’re still a family. We talk, we encourage, we occasionally fight LOL, but in the end, we’re the Bella family. Proud and united.

I have a family.

At last.

It’s Been Far Too Long

1351841774_largeI started this blog a long time ago with the purpose of sharing my trials and tribulations on transitioning male to female. It began with the search for a new doctor. I then migrated to discussing the process of writing Amazon ‘books’. Fifty-nine books later I discovered Second Life. Haha. I haven’t written a single book since.

In Second Life (“SL”) My life became enmeshed with developing a life i can never have in real life. Real life I am a quiet, shy, often frightened old trans woman hoping to go unnoticed through the remainder of my life. Alone, isolated, left with my imagination, a chiweenie named Rachel, and a few computers.

But in second life I am a hot, sexy (t least I think so) Japanese domme with a family of submissives living in my Tudor manor. My life is shopping, dancing, exploring and living a BDSM lifestyle with all that entails.

Guess which i prefer.

So from now on, this blog will reflect new aspects of my life. Still with my transitioning which, actually, only has a year and half to go before reaching my maximum effect; but now with Second Life experiences/thoughts/feelings; and also the occasional writing of erotic romances. I have purposely built alts (alternative SL accounts) to have targeted experiences which i will incorporate into fiction.

I hope you stick with me, my dear readers. Life is an evolution. Come with me. I’ll try to entertain you.

Musings on Two Events

imagesAt my latest appointment with my transition doctor my pleas were heard. Since my second visit I’ve asked him to increase my dosage. I’m old and in a hurry LOL. Of course, I asked in a joking manner… I don’t tell highly educated doctors what to do. He’d look at my labs and say ‘no, you are where I want you to be.’  Well I’ll be damned if he looked over all my lab results this time, nodded gently and said ‘your testosterone is excellent, but I think we can up your estrogen.’ I squealed a little bit, embarrassingly so. He raised my dosage by 50%! Now we’re getting somewhere.

Had a horrible experience recently. If you’ve read my blog you know I am involved with various ministries in the Catholic church, and have had some minor and major battles with priests, their homilies and the Church’s stance. At the church I am currently a member I happen to be the head of the bereavement committee. When a parishioner dies I lead the process from notification to creating the mass booklet to the funeral mass itself. I’m not done until dirt is being thrown on the grave.

So on Tuesday i saw through a funeral mass. As usual, due to too much practice, everything went perfectly. I take pride in making things run smoothly… this is a process to honor a deceased’s life and is important to the family to remember their last pubic appearance of their loved one.

At the after-mass luncheon the family and friends gather to share a meal and memories. We on the committee take part in the meal. So I’m sitting at a table with my co-members shoveling down some home cooking not my own (always a plus) when one of the family members approaches us. This is a normal event. The family likes to thank us for our efforts at this difficult time.

“I just wanted you to know… i find you a disgrace.  I’m disgusted you had anything to do with my mother’s funeral. I hope you’re happy.”

Stunned? Yeah. Speechless? Absolutely. Angry? No. Only angry I don’t pass well enough to have no such scene. I’m rarely spoken to quite so directly, though. When my ex-priest spent four homilies decrying the destruction of the family by those ‘men in dresses’ I simply left that church and moved to this one. I’m not a confrontational person.

Those two events intertwine. Hopefully my transition will improve enough that someone may say to themselves ‘something odd about that ugly old woman’ but feel no need to ask me why.  Then I can go about my life quietly without incident. I have no desire to do anything other than live my life quietly and in peace.



AdobeStock_50031686-650x433Yes, once again. Hormone Replacement Therapy has its joys and its drawbacks. I can only explain my occasional depression by the hormones, as otherwise I should be ecstatic every day. I’m happily married to the love of my life. I love her in real life too. I have friends who care for me and invite me to sail, to attend fun theme parties. I live in a beautiful home and have exciting adventures in Second Life that I would never attempt in Real.

Yet here I am. Listening to live music at Beau Belle Coffee Shop and crying uncontrollably. Well, I was. I’m OK now or I wouldn’t be able to type haha. <sigh>

There are days like this I think I’ll just chuck the whole thing. Pour my drugs down the toilet and flush them away just like I’ve flushed away my life in this vain attempt to be something apparently God didn’t want for me and I feel will never attain. Burn my dresses, toss my wigs in the trash and lock myself away in a small cabin in the Appalachians or something. (Notice I didn’t mention my heels. A girl’s gotta have something.) I wonder if they’ll deliver pizza up there? My tastes are simple.

Ever have days like this? Where nothing is worth it?


I’ll be better tomorrow.

An Author’s Decision

22ff3f30cac050b53e3ab321989caafaI’ve been writing a while now. I started off my publishing career with transgender erotic romances. I published many books/series in that genre. I enjoy the romance of it, taking events from my life and romanticizing them making sure the endings are always happy in the sweetest sense.

Then on a whim, and on a kind of challenge from a writing mentor, I switched to the futa genre. Lots of fun developing an entire mythos for a non-existent species. All of the characters and their sex scenes were as outrageous as I could imagine… and I can imagine a lot LOL.

Sales were radically different. The market for transgender romance is small. I suppose mostly the trans-curious. Fair enough. While I found them emotionally satisfying I was only able to reach my self-assigned goal: To sell enough books that I can pay for a nice restaurant meal once a month… with wine. Heehee not exactly a lofty goal, but I’m not trying to pay my bills with writing. Futa sales were easily twice, usually three, sometimes four times. I earned enough for the goal each week. Restaurant food! No cooking. No cleaning.

Sadly, though, I’ve become disenchanted with futas. Despite being able to let my mind soar into unchartered ideas I missed the more realistic interaction between my transgender characters. While I used futas and their problems as a surrogate for transgender people it just isn’t the same.

So, bottom line: I’m returning to the writing of transgender romantic erotica. I still get to be one nasty piece of work LOL, but hopefully my characters will be someone you may recognize, or want to know and find out what happens next. Sales will suck… don’t care. I will be pleasing myself.

This is not to say I’m going to abandon vampires or succubi… those are still perking in my mind. My focus will be at a different angle. Happy writing/reading!