Depression

AdobeStock_50031686-650x433Yes, once again. Hormone Replacement Therapy has its joys and its drawbacks. I can only explain my occasional depression by the hormones, as otherwise I should be ecstatic every day. I’m happily married to the love of my life. I love her in real life too. I have friends who care for me and invite me to sail, to attend fun theme parties. I live in a beautiful home and have exciting adventures in Second Life that I would never attempt in Real.

Yet here I am. Listening to live music at Beau Belle Coffee Shop and crying uncontrollably. Well, I was. I’m OK now or I wouldn’t be able to type haha. <sigh>

There are days like this I think I’ll just chuck the whole thing. Pour my drugs down the toilet and flush them away just like I’ve flushed away my life in this vain attempt to be something apparently God didn’t want for me and I feel will never attain. Burn my dresses, toss my wigs in the trash and lock myself away in a small cabin in the Appalachians or something. (Notice I didn’t mention my heels. A girl’s gotta have something.) I wonder if they’ll deliver pizza up there? My tastes are simple.

Ever have days like this? Where nothing is worth it?

Fuck.

I’ll be better tomorrow.

I’m So Excited

Happy woman with a computerMy General Practitioner just called me. To remind my readers, after the doctor who treated me for my transition died in a car accident I was in search for a replacement before my prescriptions ran out. The obvious choice was my GP since it was a matter of picking up the script. He refused saying he had no training in the field and it was more complicated than just reissuing prescriptions.

I found the specialist in Atlanta, a five-hour drive. Well worth the effort. Meanwhile just last month I had my semi-annual check-up with the GP. After his exam he asked how the “Atlanta treatment” was going. I told him everything and we discussed the tests and results just so he’d be aware. After all, he had to drop one of my medications because it conflicted with the HRT. No judgment, just good doctor care.

So maybe ten minutes ago he calls. In an oblique manner he asked “do you recall the question you asked at the end of last year?” That could only mean one thing so I said yes. “I have a patient who came to me with the same request. Would you be willing to give me the name of the doctor you see in Atlanta?” So by the time I stopped squealing I said sure, just let me look it up.

THERE IS A TRANSGENDER SOMEWHERE IN MY TOWN! Besides me, that is. I wonder if I’ll run into him/her (the doctor didn’t say whether it MTF or FTM… wouldn’t make a difference).

Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone to have coffee with? Share a noontime sandwich? Just talk mutual concerns. <sigh>

An Odd Issue Under Consideration

thinking-womanI’ve been thinking a lot about SRS ever since the article I posted concerning the possibility of military vets deserving surgery benefits (Be Still My Heart). After all these years would I take that step? It’s the logical move after years of therapy, being on HRT, living the life, isn’t it?

I identify as a trans woman. Whenever anyone is rude enough to ask me what I am — as if I’m a species different from them — I say I am a transgender woman.In my heart and soul, I am a woman. It took decades to realize that truth. Now that I’m on HRT my hormone levels indeed match that truth. I’m a happy camper.

In the event I have SRS… that I remove that bit of flesh that insists on messing up my tight clothes to require special attention to disguise, I would finally have the body that matches my heart and soul. A woman in all ways.

And therein lies my self-analysis. As a trans I feel unique. Different. And I sort of revel in that. If I had the SRS I would no longer feel that uniqueness. I would join half the population as female. It’s an odd quandary and I’m not sure what to think at the moment. Am I nuts? I honestly don’t think anything will come of it. The government paying for the operation? Pshaw. (Is that a word?) But would I want to join the sea of women or stay something only a few claim?

I don’t know. Babbling, I guess. Just food for thought. I’m an odd person.

Addition to Yesterday’s Post

After yesterday’s post i started a little research. No idea when this was published (http://transascity.org/transgender-elderly-portal/) and i don’t care. This is the part that i enjoyed the most. Read the whole thing. I know i have several ‘seasoned’ readers. Good info.
Starting Transition While Elderly
It’s not unusual for transgender persons to begin seeking treatment at age 60 or older. Often this is due to an overwhelming fear of losing their career and livelihood, but sometimes it’s just simply the right time for them to transition.
It’s true that sex reassignment surgery (SRS) at advanced ages is both uncommon and advised against, but a transperson in good health may be able to have SRS at a very late age. As early as 1985 a report was published of a transgender woman who had SRS at age 74. (Ettner 2013) In another case an 84-year-old transwoman underwent orchiectomy and labiaplasty, without creating a vagina. (Ettner 2013)
Transition during old age is often more mentally challenging than physically challenging, as it is fraught with a sense of urgency. Frequently the elderly transgender person will be consumed with remorse over not having transitioned earlier, and this can lead them to attempt transition on an accelerated and potentially unsafe schedule. “I have so little time left, I need to do it all now!” or “do I want to die, having never lived life authentically?” are common feelings which are evinced. (Ettner 2013) As a result, psychological care may be much more important, both in depth and duration, than for a younger transgender person.

Be Still My Heart

imagesI may hyperventilate! Can this really happen? I am a military vet. I wonder if this will happen before I die. Would I take advantage of it? Despite my age, I think I would. I wouldn’t know for sure until the decision was in front of me. Hypotheticals are slippery devils.But I should get something out of spending twenty-two years in a small closet. It was stuffy in there.

http://www.advocate.com/commentary/2016/9/29/trans-vets-deserve-surgery-benefits

 

A Repost from My Friend Kira Moore’s Closet

Hormone Therapy is Lifesaving — But Why is No One Studying Its Long-Term Effects? | Out Magazine: “Yet there have been few studies looking at the long-term effects of HRT. While observational studies have retrospectively reviewed trans populations and declared hormonal transition to be safe, trans medicine has not had the kind of clinical research […]

Let me posit this question. The danger of organ damage is a reality which is why your doctor checks your labs periodically. Well, one reason. In the event the doc said that you were liable to do serious damage if you continued would you stop taking HRT? My answer is easy:  hell, no! I waited too long to start, you’ll have to pry  the pills from my cold dead hands to stop me, to paraphrase Charlton Heston. I would chance it to keep feeling as happy as I do.

via Hormone Therapy is Lifesaving — But Why is No One Studying Its Long-Term Effects? | Out Magazine — Kira Moore’s Closet